I will never let you see how much it hurt; I will only let you see my words...
I can't hold onto a hand that let go of mine a long time ago. You made me question everything about myself in both good and bad ways, authentic and necessary. You made me believe that I could pursue every passion music instilled in me. You made me question whether being who I am and where I am, are where I want to be. You made me discover a whole new side of myself. You made me realize and accept the way I think. You made me believe in my own mind. You gave it value... You valued it, you used to.
You made me soft. You made me compassionate. You made me see that it was ok to not be ok; or "fine" as you always hated me to say. You helped me believe in the potential of others, I saw it in you all of the time. You made me learn to feel every beat and vibration of a song, not just the lyric. You showed me that one song can instantly change my mood. You've given me so much laughter and joy, just by allowing me to be completely myself, only because you were unmistakably, unapologetically yourself. You taught me to never take myself too seriously because you never took yourself that way. You did however make me believe that I was a force to be reckoned with. You saw my potential and knew I had to go, even when you didn't want me to. For the first time, you made me feel wanted and loved, not in a sexy and promiscuous way.. It was innocent, gentle, a friendship. One with tenderness and understanding. I didn't know in the moments I was lucky enough to be in your presence how all consuming that friendship was.
I hate that now I have to say "was"... Past tense. Transient. Except it didn't feel as if there was any forewarning, all at once it just up and left. And the worst part was that you didn't even say goodbye, no proper farewell. Do you know how that feels? I was exposed, open and vulnerable, because that's how you taught me to be. Why? I was perfectly fine on my own. I was strong, I was rough around the edges but those edges kept people out. They were supposed to keep you out. I built my fortress and you found your own way past the barrier.. You made me trust you, so I let you in. You knew... You knew it all. You knew I missed you when I was gone. You knew I cared, deeper than most. You knew I believed in you. You knew I wanted the world for you. You knew you affected me. You knew I would go if you asked me. You knew I would stay if you dared me. I returned seeing that we had changed. We grew, separately, but you still didn't ask me to go. You reached out, and asked me to stay, knowing I would oblige. So I did. I had never felt so close to someone, yet synchronously so far away.
The friendship grew yet again. But the tension did too. We felt it but we didn't touch it. We let it build and intensify. We acted on it, not in the way I ever imagined, not in my wildest dreams. We knew it wasn't right. Not that it was wrong, more so wrong timing. I was healing from old, tattered damage and you were freshly wounded. Two extremes on opposite ends, pulled together by that unspoken tension. Like a harp, the strings of my heart were played. I just didn't think you would give up playing halfway into the song. You didn't just put it on pause... You pretended you had never heard it before, as if it was completely foreign to you.. Like I was. And I let you. I made excuses for you. I defended you even though you didn't want to fight for me. You decided to fight with me instead. You let your unresolved emotions, untouched feelings and broken tension fester into anger. Then you let your anger take you there.
I let you take it out on me. I let you question me because at best, that got the conversation started even though it was long overdue. So we talked, and yelled, and then we talked once more. We let it all out and didn't dare hold back. Well, you didn't... I just wanted to grab you and shake you and if that didn't do the trick I wanted to scream at you. But only to tell you the one thing I was certain of. That nothing else mattered. That in the midst of your own pain, your own chaos, in your own white noise, somebody out there loves you. Every part of you. Every frustrating, annoying, confusing, interesting, mysterious and beautiful part. I love you. But I didn't.
You had to have known though. I didn't say them but how could you not have felt them? I figured you were too sad, too preoccupied with your own problems. So I held back; I let your anger take me there. I saw your problems for what they were to you. I got inside of your head and felt all of that pain with you. I wanted to understand, and I did. I wanted to help you, not fix you. I only wanted to be that shoulder, that one to sit in silence with you. I wanted it to be me, I wanted you to let it be me. Because I chose you. I chose you to be the one I allow to hold my heart, the one I immerse myself in. The one I choose to live out love with everyday. You didn't let it be me. You made your decisions. You broke me with every choice that led you further away from me. I was sad, the saddest I had ever been. I sat in my anguish. I questioned it. I couldn't make sense of it. So I stayed in it a little longer. I made myself feel every emotion in full. Then I felt until I didn't want to feel anymore. So I shut those feelings off. Not just the sadness, not just the pain. I shut off the joy, the happiness, the love. I let my anger take me there.
I moved on, and on and on, or so I thought. In reality, I just ran from the pain, numbed it. Until you happened once again. You made every emotion come flooding back in. That flood carried me home, to you. I knew it was nothing but a good attempt on my part. It made me mad. Mad that I couldn't understand that after all of this time, all of my desire to get over you, to move on from you, was overcome by one look at you. I thought I had made so much progress, that I had rid my mind, my heart and my soul of you. I didn't think I was running from you. I knew that you had moved on so it didn't seem like I had to stay stuck in this little hell of ours, of mine. I was only running from the truth. The truth I know you knew. The truth you ran from a long time ago. Why? Why did you run away? You couldn't just stay and find out what we could have been? God, I knew it would have been beautiful. You could have had me completely. I was ready to surrender every part of me to you. I only wanted to know you deeper every day. Why was I not good enough for you? That is a question I will never have answered.
Because now it's my turn to go away. It's my turn to be free. I sacrificed enough for you, I told you I loved you. And because I did, I still do, I would have sacrificed the world for you. Why did you reveal so many parts of you that made me love you? I rescind, why did you have to reveal so many parts of you that made me CHOOSE to love you? Why did you have to be everything I ever wanted? Why did I have to meet you? These are questions I have asked God an exhausting amount of times. I didn't learn the answers until recently. Timing is everything right?
I'm not saying my heart is healed, not even a little bit. But I am ready to start, from somewhere only I know. I am sick of thinking about you, about us. About our magic, our glow. Sick of sitting and watching that glow cease. The embers have burnt out. The fire is gone, and now, so am I. I won't be here if you ever decide to mature up and fill that empty promise. There is nothing you could say or do to bring me back to you. You showed me that I am capable of loving someone so deeply. You've shown me that my passion for love is strong, and the crazy part is that I believe it to be my greatest strength. With that passion and that strength I have invested in you, I am now investing in myself. I am done trying to make sense of it all, of you.
This door you have left open used to tell me that I only had two options: Fling it wide open or slam it shut. But my newfound deliverance has given me the screaming courage to walk past it, option number three. I am no longer waiting, leaving you with the choice of asking me to leave or stay. No more lingering. If I go, I'm going. I don't need those questions answered anymore. I am relinquishing them too. I'm going to continue to let you be you, and I'm going to start being me.
Please know that I was never angry. I was always hopelessly hopeful which led me to a heavy heartache. But I now know that I will only be sad about what I feel I lost, and you can only lose what you can't let go of. I hope you feel this detachment, because I clung to you for dear life. But like I said, I'm not losing you, because I never had you. You had me, and you lost me. The only clarity I need I have found apart from you. Your silhouette will do, I don't see you clearly anymore. I'm going and I'm going shameless. I love you and now you know. I will always love you, you were my first. You were everything all at once until I became nothing to you ever more. it is all said and done. I have nothing left but gratitude, oddly enough. So here's to you. Thank you for the years, laughs, conversations, the tears, love and above all, thank you for my freedom.
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