​A keeper on a hill, came upon a dove.
Swift to cage, he did.
Swift to trust, she did.
(N)everlasting love.
Moments of fear, instilled in her posthaste.
soon she forgot, not.
Ram shackled to an idea of him, prompted her to build the nest.
Tree limbs for framework; olive branch for compromise.
His apprehension drenched in disapproval,
moved like slow-drip morphine through her veins.
His disenchantment shown by deafening speech,
poisoned the well.
Their glass house shattered.
He thought his heat couldn't burst?
That wide-eyed boy.
Oh, how obscure sorrow is so absolute
to her.


She thought it'd be easier, she thought it'd be evident.  She ventured to find he was kind-natured, she stumbled into his improvidence.  She's covered now... Lathered in difficult love.  Enveloped by unrecognizable skin.  Scorned by swell headedness, scorched by draped dissonance.

Once, some time ago, she heard a diddly of a tune; "the cold is like a Wendigo, full of fiction like a blood moon"... Words never felt so true, so blue.  With chilled bones, yet blood warm, she wrapped him in hopeful spirits; only to be devoured at the mouth of his, Wendigo.
Her heart abandoned... inevitably forsaken, by her.

Black tie, silk gown... dressed in pleasantries to hide the hoax.  She endured the search for her second heart, he appealed for one less fragile... only to find carbon-copied fragments of what he broke.  A heart grown callous to unfavorable care... She deigned.
How sinful was she - for him yet, solemnly, her.

Leash to collar -- moth to flame -- needle to vein. She to him & he to her.

His practice with honesty, consistently cowardice.  Her belief of his duplicity, credulously convinced.  Open season on her heart.  No shield could protect her from the bitter bullets.  No white flag waved could brighten up the darkness in his eyes.  She fell into a trench of dark looms of helicoptering clouds filled with brain-boggling fog.  Next thing she knows, she doesn't.
The only thing she can feel, divergence from her.

I'm different now.

It has taken me quite some time to arrive at this locus.  To speak of you, write of you, process you.  You lingered, painfully. I don't want this to be arduous, I want to conclude.  I want to close the cage door that I crawled out of.
There is no sense in airing out your dirty laundry - that doesn't help either one of us.  You know what you did -- whether you see it as right or wrong, I don't know.  I don't care, I stopped long before we did.  My only hope, wish, prayer is that you never do it again.  That you have learned, that you had your epiphany.
I guess if I'm being frank, I pray for her.

​I pray for her mind, that it remains steadfast in the Lord, not you.  That she has clarity of God's will upon her life.  That she sees you for who God has called you to be -- and that you are actually that man, not the boy I endured.  That she is the woman that balances your contrast.  Ultimately, I pray for healing -- you didn't have an idyllic past or an honest nature.

I have prayed for you more times than there are needles on an age-old pine.  My journal is filled with tear stains of your name I could not wear and your pain I tried to bear.
Some grievances aren't meant to grasp.

I am firm in this, resolute; I should feel a myriad of ways about you -- trust me, I did.  I've inked up multiple drafts, angry pages marked with countless queries & feisty feats.  But I'm choosing peace, I have to. 
Zero partialities on my behalf -- justly, the truth, as is.

You were the sawtoothed "dagger in my heart" (your words, not mine) and the absolute leadened love of my life.  You filled the in-betweens with maddening morsels & twisted takes.  You ground, brewed & poured me out.  But, I have lamented.  I trudged through a dark valley for years for you... I left a part of me there... I let go of that part of me there. 

I used to fear what was behind me, and how to go forth. 
And now, it's sparkly to think that I can hike the mountain without you.  I am safe now.
I am unafraid now.
Demons can hover and resentment can revolve like a door -- But I chose to pick myself up & get off the floor.
I uncovered my eyes & asked myself where is my reflection?  It certainly isn't in you, and it shouldn't be. 
I don't understand how but, I am new now.
I think you found a solace in my shadow as you fastened the rope around my neck. 
I've asked for an untuned truth and I got my undone answer. 
I've had my fill, more than the Lion's share.
I have seen you.  
I forgive you. 

I'm not sure I walked away with grace… I faltered my way to the door and had to vacate.  You weren't home anymore.
I don't know if back to my roots is where I go but, clinging to the wood of the Cross seems like the right stream to row.
I’m free, I can move now — I’m not afraid to admit I was frozen like a sculpture.  My heart was paralyzed, laid on ice.
I knew Someone was holding it for me, carrying me through when I couldn’t speak, couldn’t go, when I just could not.

I know He is holding yours too.
I pray for it, for you.  That hasn't changed, though I have. 

It’s difficult not to get your human all over it, all over your life.  I know you did, I did too.
That’s our blistered burden but our boldest break.  As we inch closer to God, our humanity becomes visceral, samely, viable.
Redemption? Our only option.
That’s our Higher Hope.

The lone lingering lick of lingua I have for you is...be better, I will too.
Be tender, I will too.
Be less so you can be more, I will too.

Have you ever seen wildflowers on a hillside?  Some are so bright & bountiful; others are colorful yet craven.
I've noticed that the ones that grow together from one stem, providing support as they lean their heads against one another, end up robust.  They reflect such resilience, such richness.  They are the bright & bountiful.   The ones that stand alone, on their own, lie droopy and hanging on by a thread, or I guess looking up close, a weak lone stem.  They are the colorful but craven.  From a distance, which ones stand out amongst the rest? 

The bright.  The bountiful.   

So be bright, I will too. 
Be bountiful, I will too. 
Forgive, I will too. 

An east coast sunset won't look the same.  But, I have the west coast to remedy that. 

The other day, I was in a local vintage shop and came across a green blouse, my favorite color.. Remember when you told me you hated green, that it wasn't my color and that I should get rid of all my green wardrobe?  I looked away drifting to that moment, that time I felt so controlled, I actually stopped wearing anything in that palette.
I looked back and gazed at the top once more with a smirk.  Not even caring what digits were on that price tag, we were going to walk out of that shop together.  

So, buy the green or don't. 
I already did, & gave it back to her. 💚


- jlou

​ 

​Another year is coming to a close and I have been sitting, pondering with my eyes closed, my almost 365 days of 2016. Glimpses of rejoice and regret flashing on screen. Luckily it's just me in this movie theater. Acknowledging that security, I decided to take it back even further into the spaces of my brain. Pulling open the files I thought I had sealed shut. Stripping down to the nitty gritty. Piece by piece, thought by thought. The Mariana Trench doesn't know depth like this. I'll be forthright, I have been stuck for awhile with an unsettled, anxious mind. Inadequacy hovering over me like a bee does a sunflower. Attempting to fit square pegs into round holes. A gasping fish out of water. Getting lost in my mind. Thinking. Over thinking. A million miles a minute... An anxious-mind's addiction. I've felt like a pinball in a machine, letting my need for approval from others to propel me through life; only to crash and burn hitting every possible wall on my way back down. New leaves are turning, doors are closing, and more chapters are in preparation to be inked. Why do I find myself with an inclination that I must respond to all of life's questions with a thorough & extensively detailed plan?  If I don't formulate some elaborate response with dotted i's and crossed t's, I have somehow failed. Harnessing any energy I have to twist loose from the vines I've let entangle me, yet ending up on the ground staring up at the sky.
Exhausted, muddled & barren.
These past 4 years have been a long night's slumber. I've been scarred by my mistakes, imprinted with memories to remind me. I have known loss and saddness. I have felt them heighten my sensitivities to some everyday encounters and taboo topics. I have hidden from the truth because I know it hurts. I have had to repossess what is mine and surrender what isn't, sifting through the grain has been no easy feat. Yearning for restoration, I've come to terms with my new realities and I've held onto a cliche I never took seriously enough until it started to carry some weight.
My failures are not who I am. My image is not the reflection in the mirror. I am my conversed and spoken words, I am my friends overspilled passion, I am my family's poured out love. Every vulnerability exposed has begun to sculpt me. My resolves are all around me. So here I am, coming to give my regards to the wicked apprehension that has imprisoned my mind. I've done my time. This isn't who I intend to be.
My journey is
Independent.Illustrated.Imaginative.Irreversible.
Riveting.Remorseful.Real.Redemptive.
Harmful.Healing.Holistic.Humbling.
And I'm setting fire to it all. Letting it go up in flames. I know the smoke, hazy and cloudy, will lift. With unblurred vision and an unpolluted mind, to the river bank I go. I'm submerging myself in the water, letting the freshness chill my bones and rush through my veins. And when my eye lids lift, you better believe they will reopen to release a fierce, icy blue vigor to find the uncharted moments I have left in this lifetime. This sharpened and more concentrated lens is bringing me back to life. Dusk to dusk, I will paint on a new face. Embracing a new subsistence. Adorning myself with all of the raw gemstones I've excavated. I don't need anyone else's diamonds. I can see you all strong and shining, and that is beautiful. I am ready to sparkle with you. Rebirth is on the brink. This necessity to repurify my soul has driven me to some kind of insanity. Ironically, I like this improved, insane me. Trying to keep myself sane (whatever the hell that was) has been my achilles heel all along. White looks whiter. Lights are brighter. Coated with a new armour, only to conquer the battles in front of me, not beyond me. I will make me move with confidence. To bring the same tranquility to the hearts of my people. My world. Our planet. Making sure peace is understood. To be in the moments of intense noise and sheer chaos with a calm heart. I am putting these tired wings to rest. Call it a new year's resolution if you wish... I promise you, I will smile in my bad moments. I will inhale my good moments. And I will be great in my wildest moments.
Because I have found my home in me for He dwells within me. I am here. And here is where I find my peace.


​

​

​In light of recent events, I am left wishing I would have given a little more.  How did we get here?  What could I have done?  Does it even matter?   Guilt is it's own form of selfishness, cynicism's dwelling place.  The more I pose these inquiries upon my conflicted self, I recognize but one crucial, often overlooked, colossal detail about life;  It's not about me.   Good heavens, what I wouldn't give for that to be the universal mindset.  Where people were careful of who they put themselves above.  A place where people didn't place themselves higher above anyone.  A place where we were lost in our seas of sameness and understood the depth of our differences.  Wishful thinking at it's finest.  Excuse me while I take a few steps down from this cloud I am dreaming on...

 Look, I get it, moving forward isn't easy.  As a nation that was founded upon the belief in diversity, creativity, personal liberations, freedom for all, ​it is consistently off-putting to experience tragedies time and time again. These calamities stem from an incomprehensible(in my mind) hatred, bigotry and evil.  Religious beliefs, personal prejudices, they carry more power than they ought to.  Humanity is not equipped with the ability to harness that kind of power.  It's leading to devastating consequences when even just one human over confidently chooses to believe otherwise.  9/11, Virginia Tech, Boston, Orlando, Iraq, Paris, Syria; are these ramifications not enough evidence of these power trips.  The questions we should not be asking are, "What is wrong with people?", or "When will they stop?"  The ugly truth is that  they won't stop. In hindsight we are already too late, it is the eleventh hour.  We can't retract to yesterday and cement our feet there.  Yesterday's hatred caused today's devastations.  We are leaving tomorrow high and dry.  Searching for explanations  as to why 'so and so' did 'xyz' is not benefitting our world's future.  I know these blows cannot be forgotten, that is heartbreakingly impossible.  Woefully, there are reasons for everything.  Nevertheless,  it seems that until hell freezes over, we will continue to allow our fears and timid hearts to overlook this universal pull towards a greater means of living that has perpetually been directly under our noses.  This good versus evil war is growing weary.  I'm tired, and I am only 22 years young, aren't you?  Take your pick, love or hate.  Angels or demons.  There is a 50/50 chance you will help this world,  or hurt it.  No pressure, right?  Well maybe that is exactly what we need, pressure.  Pressure to help balance out this world as best we can.  To promote the good and stop feeding the evil. 

"We have all hurt someone tremendously. Whether it be by intent or accident.  We have all loved someone tremendously whether it be by intent or accident.  It is an intrinsic human trait.  And a deep responsibility, I think.  To be an organ and blade. But learning to forgive ourselves and others because we have not chosen wisely is what makes us most human.  We make horrible mistakes.  It's how we learn.  We breath love.  It's how we learn.  And it is inevitable." - Nayyirah Waheed  

​ I don't believe that the world can be saved,  that would be almost too poetic.  But I do believe that it can be repaired, refined, enriched.  The heart of the world is bleeding out, where hate is the instigator and fear is the victimizer.  Could love be the stitches that weaves this world back together?  Just like humanity, love is sensitive.  Love does not forget about the past. But instead of acting out, retaliating when it's wings get damaged, love does something unexpected, a foreigner to humankind.  Love forgives.  Love fights for more.  Love has no bounds.  Love, I believe, is an element like the air, like water, like fire.  This world needs it.  Every single one of us needs it.  My black brothers and sisters, my gay brothers and sisters, my republicans, my democrats, my Islamic, my Buddhist, my beautiful, my colorful, my brothers and sisters, we need this.   When did love become selective?  My goodness, just give it out. Send it out.  Release it into the air, let the water's current carry it with the burning passion of the bluest flame.  I will not accept lukewarm bathwater over a blazing fire.  The shadows are hanging overhead.  Hate does not wait for motivation to act, so neither should we.  It attacks with a vicious darkness I cannot understand.  Clearly, the majority of our world doesn't comprehend either.  But one concept I do grasp is that if we are not joining the fight for this love, for peace for kindness then we are doing this world zero favors.  If all we are concerned with is the why, then we are allowing this beast to feed off of us, whether by 'intent or accident'.  We have allowed disagreements & differences of opinions to rapidly morph into a dark frenzy.   We can't keep running around with our heads cut off.  We can't continue frantically waiting for someone with more authority to give a speech about potential resolutions.  We can't allow the time to fearfully pass by and let the more "qualified" & "influential" people attempt to convince us, and themselves, that this can be a quick fix.  They will always be there, I promise you (insert eye roll).  Violence is not an option.  Maliciousness is not an answer.  Look where it has left us?  Look to your left, look to your right.  What do you see?  I see uneasy faces, frightened souls, crumbling hope.  This darkness is swallowing us whole.  Our founding fathers did not foresee this country, better yet this world, to fall into this downward spiral.  Their bright vision has grown skewed and we can only blame ourselves for becoming a stubborn nation.  One whose pride shifted from resonating in liberty and justice for all to lawlessness and judgment upon all.  This anarchy was the carbon copy of what we were trying to escape in the first place.  They fought for us all because they believed nothing beautiful comes without a fight in this world.  They trusted in the future that is us to let love prevail.  Damn it America.  Damn it humanity. There is blood on our hands.

​I know there are heaping amounts of like-minded souls out in this misfit world that agree, but lie in the comforts of your own fears and skepticisms.  You've decided to take a nap in your safe havens, letting others pay the consequences for fighting this battle.  News flash to all, this is a humanity issue, I believe that includes you.  WAKE UP.  We have been asleep far too long.  Step out of your familiar spaces.  How many more hearts have to break, lives be taken, oppressions to be forced before we decide to open our eyes?  Love in all of it's forms has never been the least bit fearful, selfish, or feeble.  It is fluid.  So let's pour it out.  All that we can.  Let love be the ruler of your hearts and driver of your souls.  No one would blame you for showing the most common of courtesies such as this.  I have said it once before, and I will say it again with a few more years under my belt for affirmation: 

 "Love moves you, it is not stationary it is like a wave, and electric current a constant motion, a whimsical force.  It is a migration that makes you want to become one with that gust of energy that doesn't seem to burn out.  It is a flame ignited, it is a ball of fire.  It is contagious.  It is attainable.  It is sustainable.  It makes you want to extend every part of yourself to everyone in your reach just to create an even stronger impact.  Do you feel it?  That impulse in your muscles, nerves, and bones stimulating you to move?  Don't fight it, it is not dangerous, it is not toxic.  it is all consuming, it is a proposal.  An offering that stems from passion, taking your hand and inviting you to run wild and free.  To wander it's vast plains.  It is a mad dash in a race that has no finish line.  It is God given.  It is selfless.  It is effortless.  It is everlasting.  It is infinite.  It is eternal.  It is a movement.  and the Movement is Love." -Jlou

Trust me, you can do this.  Trust yourself, you can do this. We are no longer at a crossroads in this world.  We have reached a dead end.  But don't let that stop you.  Dig deeper...  keep moving.. Keep doing.  Keep seeking for the goodness, the light, the love.  Give more... Give it all.   Because on that day, on that illuminous day, you will find that you have indeed, arrived.  You are affected. You are infected...  Now go spread that love like a damn disease. 

 With the new year honed in, potential fortitude, a better than yesterday essence is wished, not necessarily promised.    This is for you my dears, the ones who are unsure about moving that pawn on the chess board that we call life; hesitations coming in with the breeze but carrying the weight of a 50 foot wave.  I fully believe that we should take leaps of faith, even if it only culminates into a minute baby step. However, I am referring to the situations in our lives where we feel we have unfinished business, loose ends that aren't ready to be tied up just yet.  The places where we feel we haven't learned all that we can. The places where we know where we should be but simply cannot budge.  This time of year is exhilarating. Resolutions are made, goals are set, new freedoms are being found, for some.  For others, it may feel as if there is pressure to contribute to the universal lump sum like it's some sort of obligatory right of passage. Make no mistake, these yearnings are great, yes, but they are sometimes born premature.  Sure, we know what we want in the end,  better yet we know what we think we should do; we listen to what others believe we ought to, but what about the in between?  What about the road we must trek down to reach this desired destination?   That is the interesting thing about time, temperament and tenacity, within the stages of life... They all three move in tandem within one individual, but affect us all, individually.  What lies along your path is placed specifically and perfectly for you and you alone, time is your only escort; everyone else as beautiful as they are can only stand to be pit stops for your long time traveling soul.  The advice of others is most definitely appreciated and it is sought out to be taken with highest reverence, but until you are ready to make that shift... To finally say good riddance, to let that sponge be completely wrung dry... Til' your last drop, Stay...  Be still. Lay your body down.  Find solace in your steadfastness. Serenity is inviting, so inhale acceptance.  There is nothing wrong with briefly humbling the fast-lane approach to life, intentionally you're protecting yourself from anymore head spins.  Admit that you are not where your friends or family would like you to be, sometimes it can feel as if they quicken rather than curb that spinning head of yours with their superfluous two cents.  Know the blame is not meant to rest upon anyone's shoulders because this is the moment when blame meets honesty, no ramifications.  You've just discovered your reset button.  You will come to truly understand what it means to let time tell.  Fall in love with the process and the results will sneak up on your patient heart... Now push the button. In those moments when the exhalation of relief is sighed, the dust has settled, clarity has sharpened your vision  and you now see why it took you all of that time... remember that every moment, unbearable or tolerable, were your stepping stones that led you to the other side of the river.  You're uneasy skepticism is conquered by your gracious capacity to endure.  Celebrations of reaching this place will feel much richer.  Allow your refreshed poise to consume your anxious agitation and secure it. You are building your house, it is a craft.  The time it took, was exactly how long it was suppose to be...  The passing of day&night, rising of the sun&hanging of the moon, all bow down to the master that is time.  Don't fight the time, wish it back or speed it up... Take a knee, and believe in the purpose of all that time ticks for.  Someone else set your time for you anyways.  I guess you'll have to talk to Him about that when your time is up.  Until then, tick...tock...tick...tock.

I will never let you see how much it hurt;  I will only let you see my words...

I can't hold onto a hand that let go of mine a long time ago.  You made me question everything about myself in both good and bad ways, authentic and necessary. You made me believe that  I could pursue every passion music instilled in me.  You made me question whether being who I am and where I am, are where I want to be.  You made me discover a whole new side of myself.  You made me realize and accept the way I think.  You made me believe in my own mind.  You gave it value... You valued it, you used to. 
You made me soft.  You made me compassionate.  You made me see that it was ok to not be ok; or "fine" as you always hated me to say.  You helped me believe in the potential of others, I saw it in you all of the time.  You made me learn to feel every beat and vibration of a song, not just the lyric.  You showed me that one song can instantly change my mood.  You've given me so much laughter and joy, just by allowing me to be completely myself, only because you were unmistakably, unapologetically yourself.  You taught me to never take myself too seriously because you never took yourself that way.  You did however make me believe that I was a force to be reckoned with.  You saw my potential and knew I had to go, even when you didn't want me to. For the first time, you made me feel wanted and loved, not in a sexy and promiscuous way.. It was innocent, gentle, a friendship.  One with tenderness and understanding.  I didn't know in the moments I was lucky enough to be in your presence how all consuming that friendship was.
  I hate that now I have to say "was"... Past tense.  Transient.  Except it didn't feel as if there was any forewarning, all at once it just up and left. And the worst part was that you didn't even say goodbye, no proper farewell.  Do you know how that feels? I was exposed, open and vulnerable, because that's how you taught me to be.  Why?  I was perfectly fine on my own.  I was strong, I was rough around the edges but those edges kept people out.  They were supposed to keep you out.  I built my fortress and you found your own way past the barrier..  You made me trust you, so I let you in. You knew... You knew it all.  You knew I missed you when I was gone. You knew I cared, deeper than most.  You knew I believed in you.  You knew I wanted the world for you.  You knew you affected me.  You knew I would go if you asked me.  You knew I would stay if you dared me.  I returned seeing that we had changed.  We grew, separately,  but you still didn't ask me to go.  You reached out, and asked me to stay, knowing I would oblige.  So I did. I had never felt so close to someone, yet synchronously so far away.
 The friendship grew yet again.  But the tension did too.  We felt it but we didn't touch it.  We let it build and intensify. We acted on it, not in the way I ever imagined, not in my wildest dreams.  We knew it wasn't right.  Not that it was wrong,  more so wrong timing.  I was healing from old, tattered damage and you were freshly wounded.  Two extremes on opposite ends, pulled together by that unspoken tension.  Like a harp, the strings of my heart were played.  I just didn't think you would give up playing halfway into the song.  You didn't just put it on pause... You pretended you had never heard it before, as if it was completely foreign to you.. Like I was.  And I let you.  I made excuses for you. I defended you even though you didn't want to fight for me.  You decided to fight with me instead.  You let your unresolved emotions, untouched feelings and broken tension fester into anger.  Then you let your anger take you there. 
I let you take it out on me.  I let you question me because at best, that got the conversation started even though it was long overdue.  So we talked, and yelled, and then we talked once more.  We let it all out and didn't dare hold back. Well, you didn't...  I just wanted to grab you and shake you and if that didn't do the trick I wanted to scream at you.  But only to tell you the one thing I was certain of.  That nothing else mattered.  That in the midst of your own pain, your own chaos, in your own white noise, somebody out there loves you.  Every part of you.  Every frustrating, annoying, confusing, interesting, mysterious and beautiful part.  I love you.  But I didn't. 
You had to have known though.  I didn't say them but how could you not have felt them?  I figured you were too sad, too preoccupied with your own problems.  So I held back; I let your anger take me there.  I saw your problems for what they were to you.    I got inside of your head and felt all of that pain with you.  I wanted to understand, and I did.  I wanted to help you, not fix you.   I only wanted to be that shoulder, that one to sit in silence with you.  I wanted it to be me, I wanted you to let it be me.  Because  I chose you.  I chose you to be the one I allow to hold my heart, the one  I immerse myself in. The one I choose to live out love with everyday.  You didn't let it be me.  You made your decisions.  You broke me with every choice that led you further away from me.  I was sad, the saddest  I had ever been.   I sat in my anguish.  I questioned it.  I couldn't make sense of it.  So I stayed in it a little longer.  I made myself feel every emotion in full.  Then I felt until I didn't want to feel anymore.  So I shut those feelings off.  Not just the sadness, not just the pain.  I shut off the joy, the happiness, the love.  I let my anger take me there. 
  I moved on, and on and on, or so I thought.  In reality, I just ran from the pain, numbed it.  Until you happened once again.  You made every emotion come flooding back in.  That flood carried me home, to you.  I knew it was nothing but a good attempt on my part.  It made me mad.  Mad that  I couldn't understand that after all of this time, all of my desire to get over you, to move on from you, was overcome by one look at you.  I thought  I had made so much progress, that I had rid my mind, my heart and my soul of you.  I didn't think I was running from you.  I knew that you had moved on so it didn't seem like I had to stay stuck in this little hell of ours, of mine.  I was only running from the truth.  The truth  I know you knew.  The truth you ran from a long time ago.  Why?  Why did you run away?  You couldn't just stay and find out what we could have been?  God,  I knew it would have been beautiful.  You could have had me completely.  I was ready to surrender every part of me to you.  I only wanted to know you deeper every day.  Why was I not good enough for you?  That is a question I will never have answered. 
Because now it's my turn to go away.  It's my turn to be free. I sacrificed enough for you, I told you I loved you.  And because I did, I still do, I would have sacrificed the world for you.  Why did you reveal so many parts of you that made me love you?  I rescind, why did you have to reveal so many parts of you that made me CHOOSE to love you?  Why did you have to be everything I ever wanted?  Why did I have to meet you?  These are questions  I have asked God an exhausting amount of times.  I didn't learn the answers until recently.  Timing is everything right? 
I'm not saying my heart is healed, not even a little bit.  But I am ready to start, from somewhere only  I know.  I am sick of thinking about you, about us.  About our magic, our glow.   Sick of sitting and watching that glow cease.  The embers have burnt out.  The fire is gone, and now, so am I.  I won't be here if you ever decide to mature up and fill that empty promise.  There is nothing you could say or do to bring me back to you.  You showed me that I am capable of loving someone so deeply.  You've shown me that my passion for love is strong, and the crazy part is that I believe it to be my greatest strength.  With that passion and that strength I have invested in you, I am now investing in myself.  I am done trying to make sense of it all, of you. 
This door you have left open used to tell me that I only had two options: Fling it wide open or slam it shut.  But my newfound deliverance has given me the screaming courage to walk past it, option number three.  I am no longer waiting, leaving you with the choice of asking me to leave or stay. No more lingering.   If I go, I'm going.  I don't need those questions answered anymore. I am relinquishing them too.  I'm going to continue to let you be you, and I'm going to start being me. 
Please know that I was never angry.  I was always hopelessly hopeful which led me to a heavy heartache.  But I now know that I will only be sad about what I feel I lost, and you can only lose what you can't let go of.  I hope you feel this detachment, because I clung to you for dear life.  But like I said, I'm not losing you, because I never had you.  You had me, and you lost me. The only clarity I need I have found apart from you.  Your silhouette will do,  I don't see you clearly anymore.  I'm going and I'm going shameless.  I love you and now you know.  I will always love you, you were my first.  You were everything all at once until I became nothing to you ever more.  it is all said and done.  I have nothing left but gratitude, oddly enough.  So here's to you.  Thank you for the years, laughs, conversations, the tears, love and above all, thank you for my freedom. 

JessieLou here. I have decided to hop on the bandwagon & start a blog... Somehow that word has a negative connotation attached to it, therefore I would like to refer to this as my place of Zen.  A sense of peace & familiarity overwhelms me when I write, & If you are urged to join me in this tranquility, by all means take a gander.  I'm only thinking out loud.

I believe that following your heart is good.  I believe passions you have in your heart were given to you the day you were made.  They unravel & open up, once your head & your heart align.   Time being the gate-keeper.  Wander down the path & you may come to find out it's a soft passion, a misleading whim of thought, or in fact a life-changing epiphany where you realize you have found it is what you are meant for in this world.  You'll never know unless you go.  So go.  You're not meant to stay in one place, we are human, the body is meant to move, the mind is meant to grow, the heart is meant to remain open & the soul, well my friend, the soul is meant to be free.  You are in control of that.  I believe that is the only control God allowed us to harbor. Find your own truth & freedom is soon to follow.  If you feel stuck, redirect your arrow.  Maybe you are suppose to dead end on the path you're currently down.  Maybe clinging to what is long gone has led you there.  Maybe too much "normalcy" in your life has you searching for something more.  Normalcy is subjective & I'm starting to realize how dormant it truly is as my life journeys on.  Just like fashion or health, you will never completely be in.   Once you've heard about, picked up & practiced the new social norm, you're already yesterday's news.  Something better is always around the corner.   Black is the new pink, curves or bones, the list is ceaseless.  New ideas are being sparked, pitched & sold to the world within seconds.  Why do we feel the need to conform to the standard of the common type? It's all too fleeting.   We all have something to say, whether it is through words or silence, art or science.  We are all smart, all creative & all important.  You have to believe in that.  If you've found yourself at the dead end or fork in the road, don't let fear of the unknown stop you from lacing up those boots&stepping upon a fresh domain.  Stop doing the world a favor & start favoring yourself.  You have the power to say yes, the power to say no.  You have the power&gift of choice. Don't waste it on the 'should have dones' & society's opinions of what is 'right'.  It's time to go West instead of North. Crooked instead of straight.  Time to venture off the beaten path.  Take in a new atmosphere.  Step outside of your comfort zone.  You may be surprised by yourself at how well you handle change&embrace what is to come.  It's the only way to grow.  Cheryl Strayed once said, "You must put yourself in the way of beauty.  Let yourself be gutted.  Be vulnerable." Openly&honestly reveal every part, even the dark places, of yourself to this newfound opportunity.  Bridges might have to be burned, you may have to say farewell to a piece of your heart that, not only can't, but simply won't fit into your new found sense of self.  It may feel risky&unexpected, you may even feel like tightening your grip, however know this; some things aren't meant to be.  You're not losing, because you can only lose what you cling to.   So uncurl those fingers, release your grasp & let it go with the wind, it's time.  There's nothing to fear when the weight of the anchor lifts, freeing you of the discernment of others & allowing your liberations to set sail.  Remind yourself, this mess isn't anyone else's, it's yours, beautiful&consigned to oblivion if you wish.  You have gained advantage, you are promoting wisdom already harvested within you, & you will find because you chose to seek.  Breathe in this new terrain, feel the clean air consume you, let it fill you up.  Reach out to firmly shake the hand of your freshly untouched adventure. Look it square in the eye & introduce your unapologetically marred and raw self, because it has been dying to meet you.